cyberassassin’s blog

flying saucer test flight

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 20:09:14 +0100

The Child stole a kinda nut goo bar from the Natural Cafe and I told the owner they shouldn't keep the shelves so low if they wanted to prevent i-didn't-notice-my-kid-stealing-that-theft. She ate an oat muffin and I thought about cyber vigilante vandalism and oggled some yummy mummy's lycra clad ass. I think she'd been doing yoga or something.

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I thought I'd give Digg a rest for a day and focus on GooTube and their puerile video smut.

This was todays recommended video, some shit about a flying saucer and some remote control geeks in a storage facility.

flying saucer test flight

The utter bilious wretchedness of some of the commenters astounded me, but this one stood out from laura67117:

"997 a girl called lauren was walikng in a forest and then a she just dissapeared no one ever found her untill 2000 when a yoing girl called Mary found her body and markings on her chest saying: I wasnt pretty enough" and now you have read this she will appear in your mirror saying your not pretty enough and kill you. by the way the girl called mary died shortly after.
To be saved paste this to 5 other videos. THIS TRUE"

This person is both illiterate, mad and seeking to propagate nightmares, I struck thus:

"If aliens exist, they are small - fact, as small as a glove puppet like Sooty - I know this because I saw it in a mirror.

Question - do you all conjure your user names after a serious head trauma? yeah I'm talking to you lorductape, therealbellend and luciferanus.

I am Hank Mole - Cyber Ass and you'll be seeing me soon."

Crime fighting is addictive and I need to perfect a catchphrase, it's Friday night I got some cold/can't think about food bug going on and the more I think about GooTube the more I realise I need to recruit some more Cyber Asses - it's just too big and too fucking piss stupid for one vigilante to handle.

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The Ten Most Gruesome/Bizarre Sports Injuries

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 11:12:41 +0100

Child is still sleeping so time to take another poisoned dart to cyber villainy.

Digg again with this abomination, I haven't looked and won't there's bound to be some sort of hideous groin injury on there, or worse a fractured femur... urrghh. This story has a staggering 801 votes!

CocoaPuff23 has this to say:

"His eye wasn't poked out permenately, as your eye is attatched to you, but he quickly plopped it back in and is actually playing in the NBA right now. The other guy's finger actually went into his eye socket and forced the eye out. I watched that and dropped the biggest WTF right in front of my parents."

He can't spell and he knows bubkiss about optometry - what a total piss fanny.

I'm the 84th comment with this undead side swipe:

"Is this what modern youth regards as entertainment? I hope so because you're all going to turn into bone snapping crazed zombies, who, if you find a suitably charismatic leader, might group together to form some sort of zombie army. I'll be honest it's not something I condone, but you might be able to do something about our heavily congested roads.

Hank Mole - Cyber Ass"

Child is awake and I think we'll freewheel it to the Natural Cafe for luncheon - though what fuck is natural about lino floors I don't know.

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Chinese woman falls 6 stories, saved by pile of exrement

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 10:50:37 +0100

This is the title of an item on the popular geek news crap trumpet Digg . If you are unfamiliar with this site, it works like this: bedroom bound nerds find stories about skateboarding kittens, laugh until they think having a wank might be more fun and post them to Digg with their sticky fingers, where fellow feline onanists 'digg' the stories, giving a sort of thumbs up/thumbs down as to whether they like it - the most popular stories hit the front page... there's more to it than that involving the two owners drinking beer on poor quality video whatevers and laughing at their own febrile minds... but that's the gist.

For the Cyber Ass, as I shall be titling myself from now on, this is rich pickings, a true bulimics toilet bowl of forum offenders and their ilk.

This is one of the comments about this story, by someone calling themselves surrealdream, honestly what a total fuckwit:

"I was going to make a joke about how garbage this story is, but platysquirrel made me realise it'd just be a waste. Needless to say, that woman's plight makes me feel like crap, though I bet she feels positively offal.

That's it, I refuse to pollute the comment section any further.
I shan't be surprised if I get dung down."

People think his comment is so funny they digg that aswell.

I'm number 72 in the comments section with this witty bon mot:

"I am Hank Mole, Cyber Ass and you lot are a bunch of cretinous feminists. From hence forth I shall be patroling these cyber cul-de-sacs and pouring nuisance on you all.

If you devoted as much time to sorting the brown glassware from the green glasware at the recycling depot as you do to dreaming up facetious comments the world would be a better place - you should all be listenning to Earth Song by Michael Jackson and crying about our plight and general bad rep in the solar system - I mean honestly, who is doing the PR for Earth? Phil Spektor?"

Ok, it's not laugh out loud funny, I'm hungover and have decided to dress in clothes that are far too young for me.

No sign of yesterdays buzz and I have to think what I'm going to cook my 18 month old daughter for lunch - morrocan butternut squash parcels? Perhaps...

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Word Freak

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 18:22:13 +0100

I haven't even thought about a chocolate egg for like nearly an hour... my buzz has been replaced by Cyber Vigilantism - I have dropped some heavy nuisance on a gentleman called Word Freak this is what I said:

"Yo Word Freak,

Clearly your friends find you funny, though I notice 'kockas' thinks you are 'crazy'... I must say I am bound to agree with him, why have you tagged a snow covered Volvo with 'I Love Vulva' scrawled on it as 'vigilante' ? All you are doing is liberating your base humour on a sturdy Scandinavian automobile and using Doctorish words to describe women's parts - yee ha Word Freak, go check out your Vas Deferens, they're the curly bits near you testicles, and think before you 'tag'.

Your Friendly Cyber Vigilante,

Hank Mole"

I thought using 'Yo' would make me sound a little more edgy, fyi I attach a picture of the Vas Deferens, it's basic biology:

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I Love Vulva

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 18:03:55 +0100

This picture is tagged on Flickr as 'cyber' :

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I'm not sure why, but I'd like to think it was a good likeness of my purported assassin - may he rot in spotty leatherette vampiric hell.

This was tagged on Flickr as 'vigilante' :

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Why? What on earth has this to do with vigilantes? The offender may be my first cyber hit, or whatever it is that vigilante's do... 'vig'?

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Le Bullet de Loon

nobody@vox.com(Cyber Ass) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 17:22:08 +0100

Today I was very nearly cyber assassinated, my career shot to shit by some jackass litigious loon intent on rubbishing my good name in every forum he could and emailing my clients direct to inform them of my alleged shady dealings!

I was advised by certain of my clients to explain my side of the story in the various forums. 4 double espressos and a chocolate egg down I hit the forums saying nice things, falling short of saying sorry for any miscommunication, but kinda thinking, 'shit these guys may be future clients, must keep then on side'... after I tired of the nice, well thought out postings - the assassin woke up (he lives in the States) and took aim - just when people were talking up my being sued for breach of contract etc etc. He regurgitated our various emails and called me 'shady'.

I thought fuck it and wrote something funny instead about Lichtenstein, parasols (shade? geddit?) and juggling simians - and the moment I hit 'Post It' I felt good, kind of elated, like I do when I unwrap a chocolate egg.

The forum responded with LOL, which I think means 'laugh out loud', abbreviated youth speak is not really my thing WTF!

My assassin has been quiet for a whole 4 hours now - which is a little annoying as I crave my witty buzz again - so I just ate some more eggs and made myself feel sick and someone is making me a Long Island Ice Tea and it's not even 5.30pm.

But through the chocoheadache and whiff of cheap white rum I am about to embark on a new, secret career, I'm going to become a cyber assassin - actually let me rephrase that, a cyber vigilante - my wit deserves to be shared - watch out you forum fuckwits Hank Mole is coming to get you.

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